


HABITS OF MY HEART

by strxwberrychocolate



Category: NCT (Band)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-07-05 03:55:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15855717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strxwberrychocolate/pseuds/strxwberrychocolate
Summary: "I KILLED HIM JISUNG! I KILLED CHENLE!"





	1. PROLOGUE

**I CAN'T SAY NO**  
**IT'S RIPPING ME APART**

* * *

 

 **•ORION•** ****

She felt his arms wrap around her waist from behind and murmur a few words tiredly. Being an idol was exhausting. But it was even more tiring if you were absolutely terrified of your roommate. There were some nights like tonight, she'd melt away into his arms and let him hold her close. Other nights where she'd tremble at even the slightest touch of his hands. "Turn around little one" he mumbled

Silently obeying, she turned her body to face him as he pulled the blankets over the both of them. He kissed the top of her head and tucked her away into his arms. She waited for a while till his breathing evened out and heartbeat steadied itself. Slowly slipping herself out of his arms, she walked out of the room quietly and out of the 127 dorms. Quietly but quickly, walking up all the way to the roof of the SM building, where both her boyfriends were sitting their waiting for her.

She smiled sitting down beside the tallest one and grabbed the other one's hand. She rested her head on the tallest one's shoulder and watched as he played with a lighter. The flame warmed them. It made their skin feel nice.

But, what if that same flame was to make them feel pain?

**•HAECHAN•**

Getting up from his and Jaehyun's room, he walked over to his other hyung's room; His favourite one. Opening the door a bit, he smiled seeing the elder peacefully asleep. "When will I be able to tell you how much I love you?" He mumbled to himself

Walking into the room, he climbed into his bed and curled closer. "Hyuck?" The elder spoke groggily

"I'm sorry, Jaehyun Hyung just snores to much" Haechan spoke softly

The elder boy nodded. "Just get some sleep" he mumbled to him, falling back to sleep almost immediately

Haechan smiled a bit and wrapped his arms around the elder, burying his face into his broad chest and felt his muscular arms wrap around him. "Thank you" he breathed soft, even though the elder didn't hear him

"I love you"

**•DOYOUNG•**

He got up from the manager's bed and put his clothes on. He felt so disgusted with himself but, this was all for his best friend. This was for NCT. So they could stay as a group forever. "You know it's gonna take more than just this for me not to report what he did to her, right?" The manager, Lee Yeon, spoke

Doyoung smirked a bit. "I know" he said grinning "but I also know you want to be able to walk tomorrow and the rest of the week"

Lee Yeon's has dropped as she watched the younger boy leave her room. Doyoung sighed softly and smiled at how accomplished he felt.

"It's for NCT"

• **JAEMIN•**

Laying between both his boyfriends, he let out a silent whimper. His body ached and head throbbed with pain. Slipping himself out of both their grasp, he limped over to the bathroom. He smiled a bit seeing it was clean for once. Their leader helped them clean out the whole NCT DREAM dorm today. He turned around and looked at himself in the mirror, frowning. The bruise on his jaw looked darker and now his bottom lip had split. His arms were painted with bruises and so were his legs. "Why do I let them do this to me?" He whispered to himself

 _"Because you love them so much Jaemin-ah"_ a voice whispered softly into his ear

Slowly, but hesitantly, he removed his shirt, letting the article of clothing fall to the floor. He winced at the sight of his bruised and tattered torso. Just those marks made him feel so impure. He turned the tap of the bathtub in and blocked the drain, pouring in a honey lavender scented bath mix. "Hopefully I won't be sore in the morning after this" he mumbled

He rubbed his tainted arms while waiting for the tub the fill up. After a few moments, he turned the tap off and took off the rest of his clothes. He slowly slipped into the tub. He sighed softly at the feeling. Even though the water stung his wounds, it felt soothing. He closed his eyes for a few moments but opened them when he heard the door open. "Jaemin-ah?" He heard one of his boyfriends say

He turned his head slowly towards him and submerged shoulders deep into the water. "Why are you taking a bath this late?" His boyfriend asked

Jaemin smiled softly in his boyfriend's direction. "Just to make my arms and legs stop hurting" he answered truthfully

The older smiled and walked over to the tub, sitting on the edge. "That's good, you've gotta be able to dance hm" He said

Jaemin sighed feeling the elder's fingers run through his hair and scratch his scalp. His eyes closed and his boyfriend smiled at the reaction. He felt the other's finger's on his jaw, gently caressing the bruised skin. "Make sure to cover those up in the morning love"

"Okay hyung" Jaemin said, knowing he didn't have any other choice than to obey the elder

"Good boy" The elder said kissing his head and leaving the bathroom, closing the door behind him

Jaemin let out a soft breath and pulled his knees up to his chest.

"Why does your love hurt so much but, feel so good?"

**•JISUNG•**

He sighed at the warmth of the lighter so close to his skin. He knew his girlfriend and boyfriend loved it too. He watched as his girlfriend reached over to grab the other blonde's hand. It was much bigger than her's but, it was so cute. "What are thinking about Jisung-ah?" His boyfriend asked

He just hummed in response to him. The cold air nipped at his bare legs and he could tell both his partners were cold to. But that didn't stop them from staying up on the roof. It was their only time they could get away from _them_. "Why do you always carry a lighter around?" His girlfriend asked him

Jisung smiled a bit and turned it on again, watching the dangerous flame glow. "I just like how warm it is" he replied, not looking at both of them

The flame lit up their faces, outlining it with a pretty colour of orange. "What if something or _someone_ catches on fire" his boyfriend said, playing with a piece of paper with his free hand

Jisung took the paper from him and smiled a bit seeing what was written on it.

 **NCT 2019**  
_Taeil_  
_Johnny_  
_Taeyong_  
_Yuta_  
_Kun_  
_Doyoung_  
_Ten_  
_Jaehyun_  
_WinWin_  
_Jungwoo_  
_Lucas_  
_Mark_  
_Renjun_  
_Jeno_  
_Donghyuck_  
_Jaemin_  
_Chenle_  
_Jisung_  
_Orion_

He ripped the last **_4_** names off the paper and put it in his boyfriend's hand. He lit the rest of the paper on fire and put the lighter down. Holding the burning paper in one hand, he looked at his boyfriend and girlfriend's hand's which were intertwined and placed his other hand on top of theirs as they watched walked the paper burn to ashes.

"Then we'll just let them _all_ burn"

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow on curious cat or comment there if you prefer it better   
> https://curiouscat.me/solarrrr


	2. EPIGRAPH

**"** You cannot create  
A monster and then  
Condem it. Hate  
It's ugly features,  
It's terrible gait.

When I look into  
The mirror I do  
Not see myself  
But all of you  
who made me **"**

_-unknown_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is from my wattpad, just copy pasted onto here. 
> 
> Wattpad: strxwberrychocolate  
> Curious Cat: strxwberrychocolate  
> Twitter: strxwberrychocolate


	3. HAPPY

• **JISUNG** •

The warm sun hit his skin. Opening his eyes, Jisung realized that his lovers and him had fallen asleep on the roof. The cold air nipped at his legs and he shivered. He heard the both of them whimper softly in their sleep and curl closer into his side. That's when his eyes caught the piece of paper underneath his lighter. Picking it up, he opened it and his lips quivered while seeing what was inside.

______________________________________

_Why don't you let them burn Jisung-ah?_

_____________________________________

In a small flap, their was a polaroid picture of them asleep a few nights ago in the DREAM unit dorm. Slipping the picture into his pocket, he lit the note on fire and threw it to the ground. "Jisung-ah, what was that?" His boyfriend asked

"N-nothing Lele" he mumbled

"Mmh, what time is it?" Both their girlfriend mumbled tiredly

"It's 6am Orion" Jisung told her

"Happy birthday" Jisung and Chenle told her

"Thank you" She murmured softly

They sat their for a while then Jisung stood up and helped the both of them stand up. They quickly but quietly walked down the stairs to their floor. As they reached their dorm rooms, Jisung kissed Orion's forehead and smiled seeing Chenle do the same. He sighed as he watched Orion unlock the door to the 127 dorms and walk in. "I hope she'll be okay" Chenle mumbled, taking Jisung's hand

Jisung sighed quietly. "Hopefully she will" he murmured, wrapping his fingers around his hand, completing them

• **ORION** •

Slowly walking in, she walked towards her room, only to hit someone's chest. "Yu-Yuta?" She said nervously

"Where were you all night?" He asked her

She gulped a bit and he smiled softly. "It's okay... Sorry for scaring you Orion" he said ruffling her hair "be more careful about your little love life though... If I found out, don't you think Taeyong Hyung and the other boys might find out"

"Jeno, Mark, Jaemin, Renjun, Haechan and WinWin already know. We told them" she mumbled softly as Yuta guided her to sit on the couch with him

"Hm" He mumbled "Go rest, we still have an hour till everyone wakes up"

Orion nodded and got up to walk to her room. "Oh and, happy birthday Orion" she and closed the door behind her.

She climbed into bed beside the older and slid into his arms. She snuggled into his chest as she felt him tuck her away into his body and rest his chin on her head. For a while, she had fallen asleep for a few moments, then woke up when she felt the elder shuffling. "G'morning Orion," He said

"Morning Taeyong Oppa" she mumbled quietly

He rubbed her back gently and murmured a few words. "Happy birthday" he kissed her head

She smiled and got up. "I'm gonna go shower," She told him

He nodded. "Don't take long"

• **JAEMIN** •

He whimpered softly as both his boyfriends spat insults at him. His head hung low and eyes filled up with the acid like salty tears. Each word hit his heart like a dagger and every little shove proceeded to bruise his thin fragile skin. But even after all this, he was so in love with the both of them. "I-I'm sorry hyungs, please stop" He whimpered, his back pressing against the wall, wishing I'd swallow him right now.

He didn't know what he was apologizing for, he just wanted them to stop. A harsh punch was delivered to his stomach by the oldest of the three and he fell to the floor. "Why so weak Nana?" The oldest of the three said mockingly "I could feel your abs when I punched you"

Jaemin didn't know if that was supposed to be a compliment or not. All he wanted right now as some more sleep with his hurtful yet loving boyfriends holding onto him. That's when he felt hands brushed his bangs back and kiss his forehead gently. Leaning into the soft touch, the same hands lifted him up, onto the bed on second oldest' lap. "Baby" He mumbled into his ear and kissed his cheek

"J-Jeno hyung" Jaemin murmured, shifting in his lap

The other boy cradled his cheeks and kissed his forehead. "Renjun h-hyung... Why do yo-"

"Shh~" Renjun hushed

Both of them held Jaemin in silence for a few moments. "Go wash up" Jeno muttered in his ear "And make sure to cover those up"

Renjun touched the bruises on his jaw as he nodded. "Okay hyung"

• **TAEYONG** •

He smiled seeing that everyone had already posted on twitter for Orion's birthday.

Everyone was in the 127 dorm waiting for Orion to come out of her and Taeyong's shared room so they can give her the cake they had bought. Sure, it was early. But it's never too early for cake.

_Never ever too early for cake._

Something felt off about the atmosphere. Everyone was happy as usual(Mostly) but, there was that gut feeling he had. As if, something was going to go wrong today. He didn't know what was wrong or what was causing him to feel this way.

_He just didn't like it._

A few moments later, Orion came out of their shared bedroom with a smile on her face, brighter than usual. Everyone proceeded to sing her happy birthday and the skin beneath her eyes turned a light pink from shyness. Taeyong smiled.

Maybe right now this felt

_R i g h t_

• **UNKNOWN03** •

"Smile while you can," He thought to himself while gazing at NCT's precious leader. "Enjoy your happiness while you can"

_failure_

_Failure_

_fAiLurE_

_FAILURE_

_F A I L U R E_

That's what he thought Lee Taeyong was. The failed leader who attempted to keep going. The leader who failed to protect his own.

A king is what people would call Taeyong.

He was here to take it.

He will take it.

It is his rightful title.  
  
  


_Baby, I know you're tired_  
_I am too_  
_So sleep_

_Die_

_And everything will be_  
_alright and at peace_

 _Everyone you hurt will be_  
_alright and at peace_

_Heaven is your finish line_

_Hell is your finish line_

_That's where you_  
_shall go to rest_

 _That's where you_  
_shall go to burn_

_So sleep_

_Now die_

_You'll fly_

_You'll burn_

_You're beautiful on the outside_  
_And gorgeous on the inside_

 _You're beautiful on the outside_  
_But hideous on the inside_

_My angle_

_My devil_

_I love you_

_I hate you_

_I'm sorry_

_I will never be sorry_

**_Tonight is your last night for_ **  
**_p e a c e_ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is from my wattpad, just copy pasted onto here. 
> 
> Wattpad: strxwberrychocolate  
> Curious Cat: strxwberrychocolate  
> Twitter: strxwberrychocolate


	4. POSION

• **JAEHYUN** •

Why did he hide it?

_Why?_

He knew it was wrong.

It

was

so

w r o n g

Running his fingers through his hair, he looked at the three maknaes laying on the sofa fast asleep surrounded by the other members who were also asleep. "Jaehyun-ah?" He groggy voice spoke

Taeyong had woken up. His hair was messy and eyes slightly red, filled with exhaustion. He suddenly felt so hyper-aware of everything. From the way his chest moved up and down with each breath, to how much he'd blink. Cold air nipped at his skin as he pulled the light blanket off himself, trying not to wake up Haechan who was right next to him, clinging onto Mark with dear life. "Hyung?" he spoke in a breathy voice

Jaehyun could see the tension in the leader's shoulders. He looked stressed, tired and scared. "I feel like something is going to go wrong at the fansign today, Jaehyun-ah" The elder spoke "I really don't like this"

"Hyung..." Jaehyun spike in the same tone as before "is it because of-"

"Y-yes..." Taeyong whispered breathlessly "I think it's because of that"

Jaehyun felt a shudder of disgust rush up his spine. That night was horrible. But, the thing was, only Doyoung, Taeyong, Orion's manager and him knew about it.

It was a year ago, the night after the Empathy showcase with NCT2018. He wished it could have been avoided. But, it couldn't...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is from my wattpad, just copy pasted onto here.  
> Wattpad: strxwberrychocolate  
> Curious Cat: strxwberrychocolate  
> Twitter: strxwberrychocolate


	5. 1/19

• **TAEIL** •

_"Doyoung is dead"_

Dead.

That's what they heard 2 days ago at the hospital. Everyone in the group looked like shit. Their hair disheveled, dark eye bags, tear stains, red eyes and swollen lips. "I-I'm sorry" Taeyong choked out to Doyoung's brother "I-I couldn't-"

He was cut off with a hug from his brother. Taeil felt an head rest on his shoulder. He looks to his side seeing Jaehyun. "I loved him" he whispered

Taeil wiped away the stray tear on his cheek with the pad of his thumb. "We all did Jaehyun-ah" he mumbled

"N-no" Jaehyun spoke up a bit louder "I loved him... W-we.. I... I was gonna ask him to-"

Taeil watched as the younger pulled out a simple silver band. The older felt his eyes prick with the acid like tears that he had gotten rid of moments before. "I-... Oh my god Jaehyun" Taeil breathed, pulling the younger in for a hug. "I'm so sorry"

"Hyung" Jaehyun whimpered into his black dress shirt "tell him to come back... Tell him that I need him here"

His heart felt broken and it wasn't even Taeil that was going to ask Doyoung. Everything was going so wrong.

"I'm so sorry Jaehyun-ah" He whispered again

That's when his phone vibrated and he took it out of his pocket struggling as Jaehyun was still clung to him. He tapped the notification of a text from an unknown person and felt his heart stop.

**_You're next_ **

• **MARK** •

He frowned looking at the DREAM dorm. They were not allowed to stay at the funeral, they had just paid their respects and their managers had escorted them back. Everyone was quiet. Jaemin was sitting between Renjun and Jeno, holding both their hands as they rubbed his knuckles, Chenle, Jisung, and Orion was laying on the extra mattress by the couch where the older trio(Renjun, Jeno, and Jaemin) were sitting staring at the white ceiling and Haechan was laying on his lap. "What do we do now?" Mark heard Chenle asked, "what do we do Mark Hyung?"

Mark frowned. "I'm not your leader anymore... I graduated from DREAM remember. Renjun is you guy's leader now"

Renjun shook his head. "Graduated or not... Doesn't matter if we all graduate DREAM unit, you'll _always_ be our leader hyung"

"Taeyong is the leader of NC-"

"No," Jeno said cutting Mark off "Taeyong Hyung _doesn't_ deserve to be the leader."

Everyone quieted down and taking in what Jeno had said. "Taeyong has failed us. _Before and after_ what happened to Doyoung hyung"

Mark let his head hang low. Everyone stayed silent until they heard a small voice. The source laying between Chenle and Jisung on the mattress.

"He doesn't deserve it at all" Orion mumbled _"Taeyong doesn't deserve it"_

• **WINWIN** •

He sighed and wiped away his tears. Everyone was so sad right now and they had a pretty good reason too. Everyone was walking back to the dorm and Taeyong had decided to have everyone sleep in the same dorm just in case the person who killed Doyoung targets anyone else. Sicheng walked over to the Dreamies dorm and knocked on it. A few moments later, Mark opened the door. "Taeyong hyung decided that everyone is sleeping the 127 dorm" He told the younger

Mark nodded, calling for the others to come out. They all came out looking tired, wearing baggy hoodies that probably didn't belong to them and sweatpants or shorts. They all looked the same as the older boys though; Eyebags, disheveled hair, red eyes, tear stains and swollen lips. Sicheng sighed and murmured for them to follow him as he put an arm around Jeno, knowing he was affect a lot by this."What happened to hyung?" Jaemin mumbled

"He was poisoned" Sicheng mumbled "Someone put poison in his water"

"Do you think someone from the group did it?" Renjun asked

Sichen shook his head. "I know we all weren't exactly having the best time together but, I don't think anyone would go as far as poisoning hyung."

Mark shook his head. "No, I think Renjun is right. Someone in the group must have done it"

"What will we do if someone in the group did do it?" Jisung spoke up

Sicheng frowned before they turned the corner to go to the 127 dorms. "I don't know" He breathed out "I really don't know"

• **TAEYONG** •

He unlocked the door of the 127 dorms and opened the door. It was unusually cold inside. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong. He couldn't have anyone else die. Taeyong didn't know if anyone had the mental capacity to experience another loss. God, they were nominated for _billboard top social artist_ this year(Even though there was really no way for them to win since _BTS_ was nominated again). Everyone was excited for that but, now... It seemed like everything was going downhill. Taeyong sighed and turned on the dorm lights as everyone piled in. "What the hell is that?" He heard someone say

Looking in front of him, he saw...

On the wall, there was _red paint._

In huge ugly font it was written there.

**_1/19_ **

"This fucker is going to pay"

• **UNKNOWN02** •

Everyone had been freaking out. Of course he had to as well or they would suspect him. "No one say a word about this" Taeyong said as he grabbed a bucket of paint and brushes from the closet

"Why not hyung? We have to tell someone, this person clearly implied they're targeting all of us" Jaemin said

Taeyong rubbed his temples. "Just _do_ as I fucking _say_!" He shouted at Jaemin making him flinch back into Jeno's chest

As Jaemin's back hit the elder's chest, he flinched again realizing who he had bumped into. Jeno gave him this look. "Does anyone _else_ wanna play leader?" Taeyong spat

The dreamies backed away. Seeing this side of their precious leader was new for everyone except him. "Go to your rooms" Taeyong growled

Letting their heads hang low, all the younger ones left to different rooms.

 _"Leader my ass,"_ he thought _"You're nothing but ar-"_

His thoughts were cut off by Jaehyun. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "I guess," He told him

He took out his phone and texted one of the group members.

 ** _You're next_** is was the text said. Johnny's face turned pale as he looked at his phone. But he still didn't say a word and put his phone down.

Taeyong was a _king_.

That's what people called him.

But now, he was going to take his _crown_.

_Take what's rightfully his._

_He was going to watch as Lee Taeyong's castle crumbled to the ground._

_NCT will be done as well_.

All will be done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is from my wattpad, just copy pasted onto here. 
> 
> Wattpad: strxwberrychocolate  
> Curious Cat: strxwberrychocolate  
> Twitter: strxwberrychocolate


	6. STATUS

**•MOON TAEIL•**  
**[** **문태일** **]**  
STATUS: in danger  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•JOHNNY SEO•**  
**[** **서영호** **]**  
STATUS: in danger  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•LEE TAEYONG•**  
**[** **이태용** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•NAKAMOTO YUTA•**  
**[** **中本悠太** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•QUIAN KUN•**  
**[** **錢** **錕** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•KIM DOYOUNG•**  
**[** **김동영** **]**  
STATUS: dead  
CAUSE OF DEATH: poison

➖

 **•TEN•**  
**[** **ชิตพล** **ลี้ชัยพรกุล** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•JUNG JAEHYUN•**  
**[** **정윤오** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•WINWIN•**  
**[** **董思成** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•KIM JUNGWOO•**  
**[** **김정우** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•WONG LUCAS•**  
**[** **黃旭熙** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•MARK LEE•**  
**[** **이민형** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•HAUNG RENJUN•**  
**[** **黄仁俊** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•LEE JENO•**  
**[** **이제노** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•LEE HAECHAN•**  
**[** **이동혁** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•NA JAEMIN•**  
**[** **나재민** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•ZHONG CHENLE•**  
**[** **钟辰乐** **/** **鍾辰樂** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•PARK JISUNG•**  
**[** **박지성** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

 **•ORION SONG•**  
**[** **オリオン** **]**  
STATUS: alive  
CAUSE OF DEATH: none

➖

• **NCT** •  
**[** **엔시티** **]**  
STATUS: 1/19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic is from my wattpad, just copy pasted onto here. 
> 
> Wattpad: strxwberrychocolate  
> Curious Cat: strxwberrychocolate  
> Twitter: strxwberrychocolate


	7. Chapter 7

Read the rest on my Wattpad:  
strxwberrychocolate  
HABITS OF MY HEART

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is from my wattpad, just copy pasted onto here. 
> 
> Wattpad: strxwberrychocolate  
> Curious Cat: strxwberrychocolate  
> Twitter: strxwberrychocolate


End file.
